Like I said last week, dropping our son off at college was awful; I do not recommend it (unless, like, God is leading him there). My wife said it so well a few weeks ago: “I didn’t know I could feel so much pride and excitement for someone and so much pain at the same time.” Some things made it so hard emotionally and things that have brought great comfort during this time. So I want to share a few thoughts after dropping our firstborn off at college.
Suppose you want to make it EASIER on you and your child emotionally. In that case, one sure-fire step is to avoid eating dinner together around the family dinner table. Studies show that eating dinner together regularly deepens the family bonds, making it way too difficult when it comes time to say goodbye.
Forget about the fact that studies show that children in families eating dinner together LESS than 4 times per week are four times more likely to smoke, twice as likely to drink, two-and-a-half times more likely to smoke marijuana, and four times as likely to say they will use drugs in the future.
Also, forget that 75% of teenagers who grow up in church walk away during their 20’s. And definitely ignore that eating dinner together as a family consistently is one of the common traits of the 25% of students from Christian families who DO NOT walk away from the church and stay connected with Christ.
“the sun looks down on nothing half so good as a household laughing together over a meal” C.S. Lewis
It doesn’t matter what type of food
Instagram and Pinterest have conditioned many to think that the dinner table has to be perfect to have any value. Whether your family has the time, talent, and money to prepare big homemade dinners from scratch every night or not doesn’t matter. It’s not about the food; it’s about the relationships built over time consistently.
Be yourselves
You don’t have to be a super-Christian to lead your family in meaningful dinner time. Of course, you will want to pray together at the start of your meal, but we aren’t looking to turn dinner time into a Bible study, but my hope is that your relationship with Jesus leaks out of your conversations around that table. While our children aren’t privy to all of what is going on in our lives as adults, we shouldn’t try to portray ourselves as perfect people either (they already know that). So let’s be honest about our faults (to the degree appropriate for them to know), and let’s be honest about how we need the Lord in those faults.
Model and train good social skills
I see such a deterioration in this upcoming generation’s ability to interact with others in person. I believe that is directly connected to the lack of practice around the dinner table. One good principle is to use the “one conversation rule.” That means that the whole table engages together in one conversation rather than having multiple discussions between different groups at the table. A lot of social skills can be honed around the table.
Ask good questions
I am convinced that asking good questions is an essential tool in the tool belt of any leader. It’s no different for the leaders of a home. Good questions are one’s that can’t be answered with a one-word answer. Dr. Kathy Koch has a ton of great questions to ask kids. You can find her at celebratekids.org.
Put away your distractions
No electronics out at the table. I repeat, no electronics out at the table. This is one of the most impactful things you can do for your family. Suppose my dad is at a restaurant and sees a family engaged in conversation together without phones or devices out. In that case, he will usually walk up to their table and let them know how much he is blessed by seeing that. Don’t even have them there at the table with you.
The power of the family dinner table is very simple: a family sharing life together in a casual setting with no particular agenda other than being yourselves together with God’s truth and love leaking out everywhere. But do it at your own risk. It will make dropping your child off at college much more difficult.
So what’s holding you back?