God has a sense of humor, giving us tiny humans to raise before we’ve got our own lives figured out. He knows all of the mistakes and failures I’ve made throughout my time as a parent. There are many things that, when I was younger, I told myself I would do differently, only to find myself now saying or doing them.
I want to share with you one lesson I learned. Summer and I kind of stumbled into this when our kids were little. We weren’t thinking of it as a strategic parenting tactic. But we are both more convinced now than ever of its impact. It is a short sentence consisting of seven words in total.
“I was wrong, and you were right.”
We would have situations where our kids were convinced of something to be true that was contrary to what we believed to be accurate. It started off with pretty trivial things. A disagreement on the details of a particular rule of a game we were playing. What Mom said we were having for dinner tonight. What other movie did this actor play in. These were fairly petty disagreements that could be verified.
What caught our attention was the difficulty our kids seemed to have just in admitting a very simple truth. I was wrong, and you were right. Once we started to see that difficulty, we saw an area to press in on. It showed us how pride can rear its ugly head, even in little things. If my children are having a hard time admitting that they were wrong about what Disney Channel movie that actress starred in, what happens when there are more critical things to admit?
So why is this sentence so powerful?
We all have to learn that there is someone outside of ourselves that we are accountable to. Proverbs 9:10 says, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.” This fear of the Lord is not talking about being afraid but rather having an understanding of who He is and who I am compared to Him. He is at the center of the universe, not me. He is the one who is always right and holy, not me. He is the one whose timing is perfect, not me. Confessing that we were wrong and someone else was right reminds us of our proper place. Without this understanding, we won’t understand our need for a Savior. Confessing that we were wrong and someone else was right humbles us to our proper place. That is not demeaning; it’s the truth.
We all have to reject the current cultural moods of “my truth” and “victimhood.” There is a mindset prevalent right now in our culture that anything I do is either always right, no matter what, or someone else’s fault. Can we not see with our own eyes the chaos of our culture caused when so many people do what is right in their own eyes? Can we not see with our own eyes the results of people not taking responsibility for our own actions? This is not just a problem somewhere else. This is a strong current of our children’s cultural waters. They must learn to take responsibility for their actions. And having them say that they were wrong and you were right is a powerful way of helping them take responsibility for their actions. Proverbs 28:13 says, “He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion.”
A few lessons learned about using this sentence.
#1 We lead by example. We can’t expect our children to do this if we are unwilling to do it. Because guess what? We get things wrong, too. Our memory fails us. I know that it feels counterintuitive because we are our children’s authority, and it feels like we are undermining ourselves with this admission. But it actually helps establish our authority because it establishes trust. And it sets us up to lead by example.
#2 The goal is humility, not humiliation. You CANNOT do this in the flesh. They must be humbled by their being wrong and the admission of that fact, not by other things we heap on them at that moment. You know your child better than anyone else. When, where, and how you approach them with this should be done in a way that sets them up to succeed at admitting. With our family, it started and primarily has continued to be something light and never harsh. It helps when you are already following Lesson #1 above.
#3 Say the whole sentence. For some, it’s easier to say the first part, but harder to say the second. For others, it’s the opposite. But I have found that the real impact is made in saying the whole sentence. (and say it to the right person).
#4 Start young and start small. I don’t think there is a minimum age on this. It is easier to incorporate when they are young. We stumbled on this when our older two were in elementary. The younger two have grown up with this being a part of our family’s life. Start with little, seemingly inconsequential, disputes. What was the score of the game? How many cards do the instructions say you start with? Is this Wednesday’s hot lunch Dominos or Cheese Shop?
“I was wrong, and you were right.”
It’s a short, simple statement with a big impact.
God knows all of the mistakes and failures I’ve made throughout my time as a parent. But maybe His design is partly to show me that I will never have this whole life figured out. Maybe He is positioning me to be even more dependent on Him. Maybe that’s a good thing.